Currently Listening Straylight Run By Straylight Run see related

i authentically cried for us today.

i opened myself up, showed a shit load of vulnerability and let him see my tears concerning his disease.

i usually hide them. i haven't cried like that before when talking about that issue. i wanted to scream how scared i am. i wanted to yell about how unfair it seems. i wanted to reveal that sometimes i ignore it, sometimes i deny it, sometimes i dwell on it.

but all the time i don't talk about it.

untill tonight. i knew i didn't have to say much. i didn't know how much he could hear, but i knew he could see what i wanted to scream and yell...

...inside those tears.....

they portrayed my emotions of fear and anxiety and sorrow.

i feel them every day. and i cry.

but it's healthy. not unhealthy. i'm not in denial.. i'm coping..

and in doing so.. i'm taking him for granted even more.

so i'll let the river of tears flow. not as often cause i've broken down twice now in two days with him sitting next to me not sure of what to do or say. i don't want to put him through that. but now i know that i have to go back to counseling. i'm self-aware ... i'm just not taking professional precautions i suppose.

he said goodbye to wrestling forever today. it's not that i don't trust him- i've just seen his passion for it and not sure if it's really died or if he's forcing it aside. so that means we're in indiana. getting "stable". exploring options and rolling with opportuniites.

we have approximately 233 days until we begin our marriage. and today was a huge prep step. taking time to relax and be with each other even tho it means tomorrow will be crazy. being vulnerable. talking openly. discussing the wedding in fun instead of conflict.

life could not get any better.

i'm madly in love.

madly. losing my mind for this guy.

madly in love.

I'm getting married in less than 9 months.

i cannot put into words the beauty of it all.

planning the wedding = chaotic and enjoyable MOST of the time.

preparing spiritually, mentally, emotionally for starting a marriage with my soulmate = intriguing and satisfying EVERY SECOND OF THE TIME.

i'm reading a book called  A Perfect Wedding. by Eric and Leslie Ludy
and i like it. Here's some quotes I found worth writing down and keeping aside.

"The success of a marriage depends on the foundation we lay now- before  we walk down the aisle."
" A wedding day doesn't define a graet and lasting marriage, but like a pulse, it identifies the life at the center of it."
"A wedding day is a taste of what's to come. The tenor of a wedding day ccan often be the tenor of an entire marriage. Is a wedding about you  the bride and groom, or is it aout someone greater than you?

"God loves wedding days. He designed them to be a picture of heaven on earth. He invented them to be a foretaste of something far bigger than bride and groom, far more than the cake and flowers. He created weddings to be a demonstration of who He is. "

the book has sparked incredible spiritual seeking in my life. to not only prepare to start a covenant with Matt before God and my family to be his wife, but to be fully committed to this with absolutely everything and what that looks like- painting signs for his job to working my ass off so he gets to go to Grad School.
I'm excited. I'm actually constantly moving i'm so ecstatic. yes the planning for the actual day is a blast- almost done already but a blast nonetheless, but the moments i enjoy the most- praying and reading on a topic unexplored  before now  every day by candlelight..... spending time with Matt and making the most healthy decisions we've ever made......  daydreaming about the next months and especially when we begin our marriage together.

it's truly a beautiful time of life. people are constantly telling me that- but i get it. it really is. beginning my senior year of college, moving off campus, getting married and having fun.

i can't ask for more. God's brought me through personal peekholes of hell and back. and blessed me beyond words. ..

so to GOD BE ALL THE GLORY POSSIBLE EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

yes. it's true.

at navy pier last night, accompanied with a dozen red roses, a fancy dinner, lots of laughs, and plenty of smiles,

i got engaged.

to this fine thing.

titled "yesterday"

with a timid respectful voice he asked the question dreaded for months, "Do we have your blessing?"

he responded confidently with tears in his eyes, "Yes."